Every mom knows that your boobs change sizes a million times throughout the course of pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, and postpartum weight loss/gain/loss/gain. Then there’s that one final size change after your last child has finished breastfeeding when they deflate once and for all like an expired helium balloon. But it’s OK, right? The only people who see your deflated balloons are you and the man whose beloved children caused the damage, so it’s totally cool!
Then one day you find yourself divorced, getting cozy with a guy four or five years your junior, and he’s creeping up on second base and you realize WHOA. Dude’s about to unfurl your flappers from the warm safety of their bra cocoon and WAIT JUST A SECOND, YOUNG MAN.
Yeah. I’m in the sunset of my 30s, divorced after 10 years of marriage, three kids, and attempting to “Netflix and chill” when all I really want to do is Netflix and chill.